The month of February brings with it a day designated as Valentine’s Day. This day has become known as the day to celebrate love and connection in our society. With this celebration comes the expectation of “ideal love,” and how to express this. While candy and flowers have come to symbolize this day as a way to honor our loved ones, I invite the question of what does truly honor the process of love and connection with the people we care about.

Valentine’s Day has come to represent romanticism and gift giving, which can be a wonderful and gracious activity. This day has become a way to remember and appreciate the people that have significant roles in our lives, most notably our romantic partners. Yet, for some of us, this day can also invite feelings of not being connected and appreciated – the feeling of being lonely. The expectations of society, as well as the expectations that we place on our selves and our loved ones, can prevent this day from being fully celebrated in the way that we intend it to be.

This process raises the question of why we need a particular day of the calendar year to designate a time to show appreciation to our loved ones. It appears to be a shared human desire to be acknowledged and appreciated by those we are in relationship with. Yet, somehow along the road of our relationship traveling, we sometimes seem to lose connection with what we truly appreciate about our partners, our friends, and our own selves. Somehow we get caught in what we think – and society says - we “should” be achieving in our lives and in our relationships.

By slowing our selves down and connecting with what is truly meaningful in our lives, we can find renewed understanding and appreciation for what is of value to us. By thinking about what is working for us in our relationships and what attracts us to those we care about, we can focus on the positive aspects of relationships. This in turn leads to a continued understanding of what we are committed to in our connections. It is the small things in our interactions with others that often are the most powerful. Remembering to say aloud what we appreciate about our loved ones can have the most profound effects on the quality of our connections. We are creatures of habit - sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse. As we get comfortable with our surroundings and relationships, we often get “used to,” and maybe take for granted, what is truly a gift to us. Whether we are in a committed relationship or not, we can all take some moments to honor how we feel love in our lives, and how we share it with others.

One way to do this is to ask our selves some questions. Who are the people we are grateful for in our lives and why? Who in our lives have had significant influence on us, and what was it that attracted us to them? What did we and /or do we continue to contribute to these relationships? If we are single at this moment, what is important to us in a committed relationship at this time in our lives - and what is it we are committed to waiting for? In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, who are the people in our lives that we honor as our loved ones?

I invite everyone to enjoy the celebration of appreciation and love for those who are the most dear to us – on Valentine’s Day and everyday.

I invite your thoughts and ideas on this topic!

Life presents us with many opportunities for experiencing change and transitions. Sometimes it appears that the only constant in life is change. How we approach these transitions and proceed through them can greatly influence the outcomes that we experience. Some areas in our lives that often present us with a need for change are: relationship and family transitions, career choices, living arrangements, and the social/political/economic considerations of our time.

While some changes that we find ourselves working with may be of our own choosing, others often are not. There are times that we may find ourselves experiencing a need or a request for change that we are not ready or prepared to move into. While it may seem during these times that we are not in control of our life circumstances, it is important to remember that while we may not have control over what life presents us, we do have control over something very powerful – our attitude towards these situations. Inviting change in with an attitude of openness and curiosity can increase our opportunities for growth.

In times of change, it is helpful to reflect upon the values, commitments, and hopes that we have for our selves and our families. By staying connected to what is deeply important to us in life, we can gather the strength and courage needed to embrace change. Staying in tune with what we truly value and stand for in life allows us to align our thinking and actions with these values and commitments. There is an anonymous quote that states: There is no growth without change, no change without fear or loss, and no loss without pain. It is often through the hardest and most painful experiences in our lives that we experience the most growth.

Change often presents the unknown, and the unknown often brings with it a sense of fear. It is important in times of change to connect with community and support systems that can help us move wisely during these times. We can reap great benefits and feelings of security by seeking support and guidance from our community resources. By tapping into our community, we can find legal/financial counsel, individual/family therapy, spiritual guidance, and group sharing. We form our identity through our relationships with others, and it is during times of change that we need to stay in relationship with those who are able to understand and support us.

Self-care is another resource for us during times of change. It is important to notice how we are handling the stress and excitement that comes with transitions. By taking care of our physical and emotional health, we are better able to engage the extra energy that moving through change may take. Life changes can bring new awareness and developments in our lives. By keeping an open and positive attitude, noticing what choices we do have in our lives, utilizing our resources, and taking care of our health, we can move forward in the best way.

The New Year often invites a process of reflection into our lives. Upon entering a fresh calendar year, we often take the opportunity to draft intentions and ideas about what areas we might like to create change in - often know as New Year’s Resolutions. For some, this process has become a ritual that is welcomed, assured, and productive. For others, it develops into a process of expectations, anxiety, and possible failures. The initial intention is typically the same for both responses - a call to do something differently.

Looking forward to the future often connects with the experience of looking back towards what once was. Noting what stands out for us from the past is usually a precursor to setting up our hopes and dreams for the future. How we choose to respond to our memories - more specifically the memories that we claim are disappointments or failures - can affect our current state of being. While we usually have as many successes filed away in our personal narratives, these often get passed over during the commitment of “self-improvement.” Self-improvement has the opportunity for some to metamorphosis into self-criticism, which often steals from our memories of accomplishments and appreciation in our lives. In my work with others and in my own personal experiences, I have learned that we often spend more time thinking about what we could have done differently, the big “what if,” rather than sharing appreciation with ourselves for what we feel we have accomplished successfully.

Reflection about our past disappointments tends to result in feelings of guilt and shame, while reflection upon our personal successes typically produces feelings of pride and effectiveness. By honoring where we have been and the learning curve of the trials and tribulations, we are more apt to remember the skills that we used that brought us to a feeling of success, or that enabled us to make it through difficult times. When we remember these skills, they can then be applied, adapted to, and utilized in our current experiences.

When we are witness to our loved ones’ difficulties and struggles, we typically respond with grace, acceptance, and a sharing of the confidence that we have that they will move through these times. It would seem very beneficial to apply this same grace, acceptance, and confidence with our own selves. Often there are many influences in our lives that are participating in the experiences that we are having. Some of these may be in our control, while others may not. It is important to recognize these other factors in the equation of our lives. Some examples of these influences are physical limitations or injuries that come our way, family and social crises, emotional and behavioral health issues, occupational changes, relationship difficulties, and the choices of others. These are all issues that we deal with over the course of time that may impact our ability to manage our choices in certain situations.

Community plays a substantial role in how we perceive ourselves. It is helpful during times of committed change to surround ourselves with a supportive environment. Connecting with others who share similar goals and commitments as we do can create a network of accountability and understanding for all. We help ourselves as well as our community. There is something transforming about hearing others’ shared experiences and narratives – especially when we can relate them to our own. We build our sense of self through relationships – they become a mirror for how we perceive ourselves.

By looking at our so-called “failures” with a lens of compassion, we can ask ourselves what we might have learned through these times and how that has been, and might be, useful going forward. Making goals for ourselves can be a growing and productive enterprise, and bringing our personal knowledges of what we do well in the world can help us in moving towards these goals. Some questions and ideas to ponder while constructing new commitments and goals for the New Year are:

• When reflecting upon past accomplishments and successes in your life, what were some of the things that were doing at the time that contributed to these experiences?
• What were you thinking and feeling?
• Who were you in relationship with?
• What motivated you, and where did you feel energy for working on your hopes and dreams.

• When you think of times that were the most difficult for you, what stands out for you about how you were able to move through these times?
• Were there particular resources – spiritual, social, or community based– that were helpful to you?
• Did you say to yourself you do not know how you may get through these times and then did?
• What guided you to new places, and what new opportunities developed along the way?
• Who did you meet during these times, and do these people still play a role in your life?

I wish you the best in moving forward with your commitments, values, hopes, and dreams for this New Year!

Through my work with families experiencing the transition of divorce, I often hear from the voices of children how difficult it is for them to witness their parents being disrespectful towards each other. Having been informed by these children, the research and literature, and my own personal story with divorce, I am writing this article to share the importance of co-parenting.

While parents may no longer be sharing the same household, they remain partners in parenting. Children’s emotional well-being during separation and divorce is greatly affected by how both parents work together to provide consistency and stability for the family. How each parent handles their own emotions greatly influences how their children will process through this time. The first few years after the separation can bring many changes and emotions for the entire family that may be overwhelming. By making the decision to put the needs and best interests of their children first, parents can empower them to grow into adults who are capable of healthy relationships.

Children and teens respond in many ways to separation and divorce. In addition to personality, temperament, gender, age, and coping skills, Garrity and Baris (1) state that how parents get along with each other during this time is critical to children’s emotional welfare. In their book, Caught in the Middle: Protecting the Children of High Conflict Divorce, Garrity and Baris (1) state that children listed the most stressful things about divorce as:

• A parent telling them the divorce is the other parent’s fault.

• Witnessing parents physically hurt each other or argue.

• Experiencing loyalty battles about spending time with the other parent.

• Relatives speaking poorly to or about the other parent.

Parents can give their children more hope of a stable future if they respond in ways that allow love, respect, and acceptance of the other parent. Children and teens learn by example, and parents who are managing the changes in their lives with grace and respect will show their children that this is possible. Parents who make choices to behave in ways that align with the values and commitments they wish to teach their children will open up the possibility of the these values being passed on.

What a gift to give children… the ability to love each parent openly and without guilt. Children form their identity through both of their parents, and they need to be able to safely connect with each of them. Respecting the other parent will show children that they too are respected. It frees them up to form their own ideas and conclusions about people and relationships. This creates space for them to grow into who they are meant to be.

Sometimes it may be appropriate and/or necessary to speak to children about the differences of opinions between parents. Words are powerful and choosing them carefully is important. Using terms such as parenting styles, choices, and behaviors of the other parent, rather than naming the parent themselves as the “bad guy,” helps keep children from being subjected to direct derogatory statements about their other parent. Conversation can then be had about differences and why they may exist.

How would you wish for your child or children to handle experiences that involve differences and conflict? Life presents us with many situations where we have choices in how we respond. Why not show our children the most positive examples we can?

Neuman (2) shares many ideas in his book about how parents can help their children and work with them to promote a new healthy life going forward. He shares activities and ideas for opening up communication and promoting a safe, healing environment at home.

Recommended Reading:

(1) Caught in the Middle:Protecting the Children of High-Conflict Divorce, by Carla B. Garrity and Mitchell A. Baris

(2) Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, by M. Gary Neuman with Patricia Romanowski