Separation and divorce affect children and teens in many different ways, and there are things that you can do as parents to help alleviate some of the difficulty and pain that come with this transition. This is often a very emotional time for the adult partners, and it can be a challenge to fully address the needs and concerns of your children while you are trying to maintain some sense of stability for yourself. As difficult as it may be to put your own emotions aside, how you and your partner handle this transition with your children will have lasting effects on their well-being.

Divorce is a process for a family that continues throughout a lifetime. Divorce often leads to new relationships and extended families, which add to the adjustments for kids and teens. As children age and mature, they discover more questions about the situation, and become more aware of their own feelings. The average adjustment period for an adult to process divorce is 2-3 years, while a child may take 3-5 years. Parents may be ready to move on, while kids may not. Parents are role models in how children learn to be in relationship with each other and process change. Divorce can be an opportunity for you to show your children how to respect others, learn forgiveness, and handle change with as much grace as possible.

Some ways to help your children and teens throughout this transition:

• Seek outside support for yourself and create community through friends, extended family, support groups, legal and financial counseling, therapy, and spiritual activities. Having resources for yourself helps you feel better and be a better parent. This will also help prevent you from leaning on your children in times of distress and/or discussing issues that are not age appropriate for them.

• Remain in continual conversation with your children regarding what is happening. They have many questions that need answers in an age appropriate way. Children get very fearful at this time, and having their questions left unanswered only adds to that fear. Let them know that both parents are there for them and tell them that the divorce is not their fault - over and over again!

• Remain respectful to the other parent. While you may have very strong emotions about your partner at this time, your child has feelings of his or her own. Children and teens have a right to their own feelings about each of their parents, and the right to spend time with both of them. Children identify with both parents, and negative remarks about the other parent can have devastating effects on them. They often take these remarks on themselves and feel as if the parent is talking negatively about them as well.

• Provide outside resources for your kids and teens. It is important for kids to have someone besides their parents to talk with about what is happening. Kids do not want to hurt their parents’ feelings, and will often keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves in order to be “fair” to each parent. Support groups are a wonderful way to create community for them so they do not feel alone. Divorce effects over half of all marriages, yet kids often feel very isolated at this time.

• Co-parent together. While your relationship and/or marriage may be changing, your responsiblities as parents are not. Working together to raise your children is helpful to both them and you. Single parenting is not easy, but it is made easier by helping each other out and remaining open to the other parent’s thoughts and ideas. Try to be flexible with the parenting arrangement when the need arises. Sometimes issues of safety or absence makes this an impossibility, yet it is helpful to keep in mind that children think about and identify with both of their parents even in an absence.

• Create as much consistency and routine as possible for your kids. They are experiencing a huge change in their life that may seem very overwhelming. If possible, try to work slowly through any changes in residence, schools, and activities. This will give them time to adjust and process the loss.

• Create new ways of defining family for you and your kids. What does family mean and how does this look to you? Expand on the ideas of what defines family. While there is loss of the way the family was, there is opportunity to create a new and different sense of how you wish to be as a family now.

• Additional Resources:
  • Divorce Lifeline at 206-694-5757
  • www.divorcenet.com provides legal advice, information on state laws, and help for do-it-yourself divorces.
  • www.fairsharedivorce.com
  • King County Lawyer Referral Service at 206-623-2551
  • Eastside Legal Assistance Program at 425-747-7274 provides a free 30 minute consultation with an attorney.
  • www.careerdiscoveryinc.com
  • www.shaublaw.com

  In my continued learning and curiosity regarding this experience, I invite you to share your ideas and stories on this topic.