I would like to invite readers to meet a trusted and knowledgeable colleague, Joseph Shaub.  I am honored to have him share his wisdom and experience with you.  He is a collaborative family lawyer and mediator with offices in Seattle and Bellevue.  He is licensed as both an attorney and marriage and family therapist.  Joe has many more informative and helpful articles on a variety of topics in his website: www.josephshaub.com.  He has offered this informative article on the benefits of the collaborative law process.

CHOOSING COLLABORATIVE LAW

Divorce is such a hard road.  Sadly, lawyers can make that road so much harder.  They’re not bad people - most of them are truly lovely folks if you knew them socially.  However, their role is to protect their client.  “Protect them from what?” you might ask.  Well, protect them from being “ruined,” “screwed,” “wrecked” or “destroyed by their spouse,” if you asked them.  Lawyers, in their role as protectors are also dispensers of paranoia.  It’s part of the training.  It’s like a magical transformation, but rather than turning from an ugly duckling to a swan, or Clark Kent to Superman, the divorcing person enters the lawyers office wanting the “fair” outcome, not wanting to screw their spouse and emerges hyper-vigilant and hyper-protective of their “rights,” having heard for an hour or two what they are “entitled to.”

The good news is that there’s a large and growing group of lawyers in King County who want to help smooth the path of this otherwise rocky life transition.  They are “collaborative lawyers” and its important for anyone commencing this process to know about them.

Collaborative Law started in the early ‘90’s when a Minneapolis lawyer named Stu Webb decided he just wasn’t going to go to court any longer.  He asked all of his colleagues if any of them were willing to agree to forego the soul-rending process of divorce litigation and commit, with their clients, to working out all the details of a legal divorce by negotiated agreement.  He had a handful of takers… and the word got out.  Collaborative Law began to spread throughout the country.  To get an idea of its breadth and scope log onto the website of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals at www.collaborativepractice.com.

This form of healing, supportive practice - in which lawyers make a paradigm shift from protecting the narrow interests of their clients no matter who else may be hurt in the process (the spouse or their children) to developing a broader view of what a client’s real interests are - is now being practiced by many professionals in Washington.  The lawyers in King County Collaborative Law understand that an adversarial divorce which locks people into years of animosity and children into a life of negotiation between enemy camps simply can’t be in anybody’s interests.

Collaborative Law, as practiced in Washington is a “team approach,” recognizing that there are many elements of a divorce - the legal, the financial, the parental and the emotional.  So, we have collaboratively trained lawyers to support, advise and advocate for their clients; collaboratively trained financial specialists to act as neutrals, assisting the couples in understanding their current and future financial needs - and resources - in a non-adversarial manner; collaboratively trained mental health professionals, who act as divorce coaches, assisting people in managing the most acute emotional reactions that come up during the divorce process and child specialists who support the children through this alien and utterly unwelcome change in their lives.

While the collaborative law team approach is certainly more costly than doing it yourself, or working with a mediator, only, it is no more expensive than a conventional adversarial divorce where lawyers run into court to win temporary orders on behalf of their clients, stressful and incredibly comprehensive information gathering is conducted through a “discovery” process and a costly (both financially and emotionally) settlement conference is conducted where both people are separated with their lawyers and a settlement official shuttles between the two rooms with offers and counter offers in an effort to pound out a settlement in a day.  This process leads to next-morning regret for at least one person as sure as the sun rise in the east.  This doesn’t even include trial, which virtually guarantees destruction of whatever is left of the relationship between two people who shared years of intimacy and often children that they both love.

Collaborative practice can expose people embarking on this awesomely challenging life journey to a group of professionals who are committed to helping both people identify and achieve high-end goals that will serve them for the ensuing days, months and years.  An image evoked by one collaborative professional often is that of the divorced husband and wife sitting side-by-side (with their new partners if that be the case) at their children’s graduations or weddings and experiencing the gratitude of these children in finding a way to end the marriage (if end it must) in a loving, respectful manner, mindful of the integrity of everyone involved.

It’s a challenge, to-be-sure.  Yet a challenge well worth taking.

For more information visit the Collaborative Law page of Joseph Shaub’s website: www.josephshaub.com and the website of King County Collaborative Law, www.kingcountycollab.org.

The month of February brings with it a day designated as Valentine’s Day. This day has become known as the day to celebrate love and connection in our society. With this celebration comes the expectation of “ideal love,” and how to express this. While candy and flowers have come to symbolize this day as a way to honor our loved ones, I invite the question of what does truly honor the process of love and connection with the people we care about.

Valentine’s Day has come to represent romanticism and gift giving, which can be a wonderful and gracious activity. This day has become a way to remember and appreciate the people that have significant roles in our lives, most notably our romantic partners. Yet, for some of us, this day can also invite feelings of not being connected and appreciated – the feeling of being lonely. The expectations of society, as well as the expectations that we place on our selves and our loved ones, can prevent this day from being fully celebrated in the way that we intend it to be.

This process raises the question of why we need a particular day of the calendar year to designate a time to show appreciation to our loved ones. It appears to be a shared human desire to be acknowledged and appreciated by those we are in relationship with. Yet, somehow along the road of our relationship traveling, we sometimes seem to lose connection with what we truly appreciate about our partners, our friends, and our own selves. Somehow we get caught in what we think – and society says - we “should” be achieving in our lives and in our relationships.

By slowing our selves down and connecting with what is truly meaningful in our lives, we can find renewed understanding and appreciation for what is of value to us. By thinking about what is working for us in our relationships and what attracts us to those we care about, we can focus on the positive aspects of relationships. This in turn leads to a continued understanding of what we are committed to in our connections. It is the small things in our interactions with others that often are the most powerful. Remembering to say aloud what we appreciate about our loved ones can have the most profound effects on the quality of our connections. We are creatures of habit - sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse. As we get comfortable with our surroundings and relationships, we often get “used to,” and maybe take for granted, what is truly a gift to us. Whether we are in a committed relationship or not, we can all take some moments to honor how we feel love in our lives, and how we share it with others.

One way to do this is to ask our selves some questions. Who are the people we are grateful for in our lives and why? Who in our lives have had significant influence on us, and what was it that attracted us to them? What did we and /or do we continue to contribute to these relationships? If we are single at this moment, what is important to us in a committed relationship at this time in our lives - and what is it we are committed to waiting for? In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, who are the people in our lives that we honor as our loved ones?

I invite everyone to enjoy the celebration of appreciation and love for those who are the most dear to us – on Valentine’s Day and everyday.

I invite your thoughts and ideas on this topic!

Life presents us with many opportunities for experiencing change and transitions. Sometimes it appears that the only constant in life is change. How we approach these transitions and proceed through them can greatly influence the outcomes that we experience. Some areas in our lives that often present us with a need for change are: relationship and family transitions, career choices, living arrangements, and the social/political/economic considerations of our time.

While some changes that we find ourselves working with may be of our own choosing, others often are not. There are times that we may find ourselves experiencing a need or a request for change that we are not ready or prepared to move into. While it may seem during these times that we are not in control of our life circumstances, it is important to remember that while we may not have control over what life presents us, we do have control over something very powerful – our attitude towards these situations. Inviting change in with an attitude of openness and curiosity can increase our opportunities for growth.

In times of change, it is helpful to reflect upon the values, commitments, and hopes that we have for our selves and our families. By staying connected to what is deeply important to us in life, we can gather the strength and courage needed to embrace change. Staying in tune with what we truly value and stand for in life allows us to align our thinking and actions with these values and commitments. There is an anonymous quote that states: There is no growth without change, no change without fear or loss, and no loss without pain. It is often through the hardest and most painful experiences in our lives that we experience the most growth.

Change often presents the unknown, and the unknown often brings with it a sense of fear. It is important in times of change to connect with community and support systems that can help us move wisely during these times. We can reap great benefits and feelings of security by seeking support and guidance from our community resources. By tapping into our community, we can find legal/financial counsel, individual/family therapy, spiritual guidance, and group sharing. We form our identity through our relationships with others, and it is during times of change that we need to stay in relationship with those who are able to understand and support us.

Self-care is another resource for us during times of change. It is important to notice how we are handling the stress and excitement that comes with transitions. By taking care of our physical and emotional health, we are better able to engage the extra energy that moving through change may take. Life changes can bring new awareness and developments in our lives. By keeping an open and positive attitude, noticing what choices we do have in our lives, utilizing our resources, and taking care of our health, we can move forward in the best way.

The New Year often invites a process of reflection into our lives. Upon entering a fresh calendar year, we often take the opportunity to draft intentions and ideas about what areas we might like to create change in - often know as New Year’s Resolutions. For some, this process has become a ritual that is welcomed, assured, and productive. For others, it develops into a process of expectations, anxiety, and possible failures. The initial intention is typically the same for both responses - a call to do something differently.

Looking forward to the future often connects with the experience of looking back towards what once was. Noting what stands out for us from the past is usually a precursor to setting up our hopes and dreams for the future. How we choose to respond to our memories - more specifically the memories that we claim are disappointments or failures - can affect our current state of being. While we usually have as many successes filed away in our personal narratives, these often get passed over during the commitment of “self-improvement.” Self-improvement has the opportunity for some to metamorphosis into self-criticism, which often steals from our memories of accomplishments and appreciation in our lives. In my work with others and in my own personal experiences, I have learned that we often spend more time thinking about what we could have done differently, the big “what if,” rather than sharing appreciation with ourselves for what we feel we have accomplished successfully.

Reflection about our past disappointments tends to result in feelings of guilt and shame, while reflection upon our personal successes typically produces feelings of pride and effectiveness. By honoring where we have been and the learning curve of the trials and tribulations, we are more apt to remember the skills that we used that brought us to a feeling of success, or that enabled us to make it through difficult times. When we remember these skills, they can then be applied, adapted to, and utilized in our current experiences.

When we are witness to our loved ones’ difficulties and struggles, we typically respond with grace, acceptance, and a sharing of the confidence that we have that they will move through these times. It would seem very beneficial to apply this same grace, acceptance, and confidence with our own selves. Often there are many influences in our lives that are participating in the experiences that we are having. Some of these may be in our control, while others may not. It is important to recognize these other factors in the equation of our lives. Some examples of these influences are physical limitations or injuries that come our way, family and social crises, emotional and behavioral health issues, occupational changes, relationship difficulties, and the choices of others. These are all issues that we deal with over the course of time that may impact our ability to manage our choices in certain situations.

Community plays a substantial role in how we perceive ourselves. It is helpful during times of committed change to surround ourselves with a supportive environment. Connecting with others who share similar goals and commitments as we do can create a network of accountability and understanding for all. We help ourselves as well as our community. There is something transforming about hearing others’ shared experiences and narratives – especially when we can relate them to our own. We build our sense of self through relationships – they become a mirror for how we perceive ourselves.

By looking at our so-called “failures” with a lens of compassion, we can ask ourselves what we might have learned through these times and how that has been, and might be, useful going forward. Making goals for ourselves can be a growing and productive enterprise, and bringing our personal knowledges of what we do well in the world can help us in moving towards these goals. Some questions and ideas to ponder while constructing new commitments and goals for the New Year are:

• When reflecting upon past accomplishments and successes in your life, what were some of the things that were doing at the time that contributed to these experiences?
• What were you thinking and feeling?
• Who were you in relationship with?
• What motivated you, and where did you feel energy for working on your hopes and dreams.

• When you think of times that were the most difficult for you, what stands out for you about how you were able to move through these times?
• Were there particular resources – spiritual, social, or community based– that were helpful to you?
• Did you say to yourself you do not know how you may get through these times and then did?
• What guided you to new places, and what new opportunities developed along the way?
• Who did you meet during these times, and do these people still play a role in your life?

I wish you the best in moving forward with your commitments, values, hopes, and dreams for this New Year!

Through my work with families experiencing the transition of divorce, I often hear from the voices of children how difficult it is for them to witness their parents being disrespectful towards each other. Having been informed by these children, the research and literature, and my own personal story with divorce, I am writing this article to share the importance of co-parenting.

While parents may no longer be sharing the same household, they remain partners in parenting. Children’s emotional well-being during separation and divorce is greatly affected by how both parents work together to provide consistency and stability for the family. How each parent handles their own emotions greatly influences how their children will process through this time. The first few years after the separation can bring many changes and emotions for the entire family that may be overwhelming. By making the decision to put the needs and best interests of their children first, parents can empower them to grow into adults who are capable of healthy relationships.

Children and teens respond in many ways to separation and divorce. In addition to personality, temperament, gender, age, and coping skills, Garrity and Baris (1) state that how parents get along with each other during this time is critical to children’s emotional welfare. In their book, Caught in the Middle: Protecting the Children of High Conflict Divorce, Garrity and Baris (1) state that children listed the most stressful things about divorce as:

• A parent telling them the divorce is the other parent’s fault.

• Witnessing parents physically hurt each other or argue.

• Experiencing loyalty battles about spending time with the other parent.

• Relatives speaking poorly to or about the other parent.

Parents can give their children more hope of a stable future if they respond in ways that allow love, respect, and acceptance of the other parent. Children and teens learn by example, and parents who are managing the changes in their lives with grace and respect will show their children that this is possible. Parents who make choices to behave in ways that align with the values and commitments they wish to teach their children will open up the possibility of the these values being passed on.

What a gift to give children… the ability to love each parent openly and without guilt. Children form their identity through both of their parents, and they need to be able to safely connect with each of them. Respecting the other parent will show children that they too are respected. It frees them up to form their own ideas and conclusions about people and relationships. This creates space for them to grow into who they are meant to be.

Sometimes it may be appropriate and/or necessary to speak to children about the differences of opinions between parents. Words are powerful and choosing them carefully is important. Using terms such as parenting styles, choices, and behaviors of the other parent, rather than naming the parent themselves as the “bad guy,” helps keep children from being subjected to direct derogatory statements about their other parent. Conversation can then be had about differences and why they may exist.

How would you wish for your child or children to handle experiences that involve differences and conflict? Life presents us with many situations where we have choices in how we respond. Why not show our children the most positive examples we can?

Neuman (2) shares many ideas in his book about how parents can help their children and work with them to promote a new healthy life going forward. He shares activities and ideas for opening up communication and promoting a safe, healing environment at home.

Recommended Reading:

(1) Caught in the Middle:Protecting the Children of High-Conflict Divorce, by Carla B. Garrity and Mitchell A. Baris

(2) Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, by M. Gary Neuman with Patricia Romanowski

Making the connection about how our mind and body work together is an important part of being healthy. Our mental perspective often affects our physical well-being, and the reverse is true as well. Tuning into what our body is telling us can be helpful for improving our mood and overall outlook on life. We have choices in how we can care for our ourselves. It begins with a simple scan of how you are feeling head to toe, inside and out. Often times our moods and emotions are directly related to how we are caring for ourselves at that time. One example of this is why we feel better after we exercise. Exercise increases blood flow and the natural mood elevating chemicals in our body that help us to feel better. By taking a daily inventory of how we are feeling physically and emotionally, we can start to invite connection between the two.

Below are some helpful ways that you can tune into how your body is speaking and help care for it:

• Be thankful and appreciative of at least one element of your body every day. We often overlook and take for granted what our bodies are doing well. Appreciation is the key to staying positive and continued success in self-care.
• BREATHE! Pay attention to your breathing throughout the day. Taking time to notice and slow down your breathing is one of the best ways to combat stress and fatigue.
• Start your day with a glass of water… 50% to 60% of your body weight is water! One of the main causes of headaches is dehydration.
• Take note of the first nutrition that you give your body in the morning. Think of food as fuel and put the best gas you can into your tank. You will most likely follow this pattern into the rest of the day and evening. People often feel better the days that they are eating well and getting the nutrition that they need. Remember that your brain requires glucose to function properly.
• Ask yourself if you are getting the rest you need to fulfill the demands you are asking of your mind and body. Fatigue can aggravate depression and other psychological and physiological symptoms.
• When was the last time you exercised? Exercise clears the mind as well as the body, and has been proven to decrease symptoms of depression.
• Ask yourself where in your body you feel the emotions you are not expressing. Thoughts and emotions that are not expressed often lead to physical symptoms such as stomachaches, headaches, acid reflux, neck and back pain.
• Seek out quality collaborative health care. Find practitioners who will work together to give you the best care possible, and who are willing to look at multiple approaches to a problem or issue.
• We have one body to take us throughout lives - treat it as you would any cherished relationship. If we neglect our bodies they tell us. What has yours been telling you?

Referral sources that you may find helpful:

• www.bellevuechiropracticassociates.com
• Candace Aasan, LN, NP (425) 576-8017
• Scott Rose, NP (425) 576-8017
• www.chensacupuncture.com
• www.overlakefamilymedicine.com
• www.redmondmassage.com

Separation and divorce affect children and teens in many different ways, and there are things that you can do as parents to help alleviate some of the difficulty and pain that come with this transition. This is often a very emotional time for the adult partners, and it can be a challenge to fully address the needs and concerns of your children while you are trying to maintain some sense of stability for yourself. As difficult as it may be to put your own emotions aside, how you and your partner handle this transition with your children will have lasting effects on their well-being.

Divorce is a process for a family that continues throughout a lifetime. Divorce often leads to new relationships and extended families, which add to the adjustments for kids and teens. As children age and mature, they discover more questions about the situation, and become more aware of their own feelings. The average adjustment period for an adult to process divorce is 2-3 years, while a child may take 3-5 years. Parents may be ready to move on, while kids may not. Parents are role models in how children learn to be in relationship with each other and process change. Divorce can be an opportunity for you to show your children how to respect others, learn forgiveness, and handle change with as much grace as possible.

Some ways to help your children and teens throughout this transition:

• Seek outside support for yourself and create community through friends, extended family, support groups, legal and financial counseling, therapy, and spiritual activities. Having resources for yourself helps you feel better and be a better parent. This will also help prevent you from leaning on your children in times of distress and/or discussing issues that are not age appropriate for them.

• Remain in continual conversation with your children regarding what is happening. They have many questions that need answers in an age appropriate way. Children get very fearful at this time, and having their questions left unanswered only adds to that fear. Let them know that both parents are there for them and tell them that the divorce is not their fault - over and over again!

• Remain respectful to the other parent. While you may have very strong emotions about your partner at this time, your child has feelings of his or her own. Children and teens have a right to their own feelings about each of their parents, and the right to spend time with both of them. Children identify with both parents, and negative remarks about the other parent can have devastating effects on them. They often take these remarks on themselves and feel as if the parent is talking negatively about them as well.

• Provide outside resources for your kids and teens. It is important for kids to have someone besides their parents to talk with about what is happening. Kids do not want to hurt their parents’ feelings, and will often keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves in order to be “fair” to each parent. Support groups are a wonderful way to create community for them so they do not feel alone. Divorce effects over half of all marriages, yet kids often feel very isolated at this time.

• Co-parent together. While your relationship and/or marriage may be changing, your responsiblities as parents are not. Working together to raise your children is helpful to both them and you. Single parenting is not easy, but it is made easier by helping each other out and remaining open to the other parent’s thoughts and ideas. Try to be flexible with the parenting arrangement when the need arises. Sometimes issues of safety or absence makes this an impossibility, yet it is helpful to keep in mind that children think about and identify with both of their parents even in an absence.

• Create as much consistency and routine as possible for your kids. They are experiencing a huge change in their life that may seem very overwhelming. If possible, try to work slowly through any changes in residence, schools, and activities. This will give them time to adjust and process the loss.

• Create new ways of defining family for you and your kids. What does family mean and how does this look to you? Expand on the ideas of what defines family. While there is loss of the way the family was, there is opportunity to create a new and different sense of how you wish to be as a family now.

• Additional Resources:
  • Divorce Lifeline at 206-694-5757
  • www.divorcenet.com provides legal advice, information on state laws, and help for do-it-yourself divorces.
  • www.fairsharedivorce.com
  • King County Lawyer Referral Service at 206-623-2551
  • Eastside Legal Assistance Program at 425-747-7274 provides a free 30 minute consultation with an attorney.
  • www.careerdiscoveryinc.com
  • www.shaublaw.com

  In my continued learning and curiosity regarding this experience, I invite you to share your ideas and stories on this topic.

In today’s world of computers, cell phones, text messaging, and email, it appears as if communication between people is easy and accessible. While the availability of different modes of communication have made people much more accessible to each other, unfortunately, it has also taken away from actual face to face interactions.

There is something that is much easier about writing down our thoughts in an email and pushing the send key, than there is to voicing them to a friend or partner in their presence. It is often the fear of the other person’s response to what we need to say that often stands in the way of us speaking our thoughts, feelings, and needs to our significant others. Yet, this is exactly what is needed to promote a conversation that will address the issues at hand, and allow the body language to show that will help facilitate the conversation.

Much of communication is not the words that we say, but the way in which we say them. The tone and inflection of voice, the way in which we hold our bodies, and our facial expressions say so much more than the actual words that come out of our mouths. As the saying goes, “actions speak louder than words,” and this includes having a face to face conversation with someone you care about. The next time you are upset, disappointed, frustrated, or feeling misunderstood, try giving yourself and your loved one the biggest gifts of all - your mind, body, and spirit in person!

Helpful ways to get started:

• Realize that your feelings are important, and if shared, will help others learn more about what you need and desire. This promotes growth in the relationship.

• Use “I feel… when you” versus “you always” or “you never” statements to express your thoughts and feelings. This avoids accusatory language and invites openness for discussion.

• We often have defenses up to protect ourselves, so try to express yourself with as much grace and openness as possible. Speak to others as you would like to be spoken to.

• If anger is in the way of effective expression, take some time to breathe, calm down, and think about what it is that you wish to accomplish in the conversation. You can always revisit an issue or conversation later - this is the beauty of being in relationship with others. Now may not be the right time, but later may. Engaging in physical touch with your partner (holding hands, sitting next to each other) while conversing can help to promote closeness and a sense of unity through the discussion.

• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Take a few moments to try on the other person’s perspective, even if it is uncomfortable, in order to better understand their needs. While your needs and desires may be different, it is important in relationships to respect the other person’s perspective even if you do not understand it.

• Closeness does not necessarily come from similarities, it comes from acknowledging and learning from each other’s differences. Attempt to learn from each other by being curious to your differences.