I would like to invite readers to meet a trusted and knowledgeable colleague, Joseph Shaub.  I am honored to have him share his wisdom and experience with you.  He is a collaborative family lawyer and mediator with offices in Seattle and Bellevue.  He is licensed as both an attorney and marriage and family therapist.  Joe has many more informative and helpful articles on a variety of topics in his website: www.josephshaub.com.  He has offered this informative article on the benefits of the collaborative law process.

CHOOSING COLLABORATIVE LAW

Divorce is such a hard road.  Sadly, lawyers can make that road so much harder.  They’re not bad people - most of them are truly lovely folks if you knew them socially.  However, their role is to protect their client.  “Protect them from what?” you might ask.  Well, protect them from being “ruined,” “screwed,” “wrecked” or “destroyed by their spouse,” if you asked them.  Lawyers, in their role as protectors are also dispensers of paranoia.  It’s part of the training.  It’s like a magical transformation, but rather than turning from an ugly duckling to a swan, or Clark Kent to Superman, the divorcing person enters the lawyers office wanting the “fair” outcome, not wanting to screw their spouse and emerges hyper-vigilant and hyper-protective of their “rights,” having heard for an hour or two what they are “entitled to.”

The good news is that there’s a large and growing group of lawyers in King County who want to help smooth the path of this otherwise rocky life transition.  They are “collaborative lawyers” and its important for anyone commencing this process to know about them.

Collaborative Law started in the early ‘90’s when a Minneapolis lawyer named Stu Webb decided he just wasn’t going to go to court any longer.  He asked all of his colleagues if any of them were willing to agree to forego the soul-rending process of divorce litigation and commit, with their clients, to working out all the details of a legal divorce by negotiated agreement.  He had a handful of takers… and the word got out.  Collaborative Law began to spread throughout the country.  To get an idea of its breadth and scope log onto the website of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals at www.collaborativepractice.com.

This form of healing, supportive practice - in which lawyers make a paradigm shift from protecting the narrow interests of their clients no matter who else may be hurt in the process (the spouse or their children) to developing a broader view of what a client’s real interests are - is now being practiced by many professionals in Washington.  The lawyers in King County Collaborative Law understand that an adversarial divorce which locks people into years of animosity and children into a life of negotiation between enemy camps simply can’t be in anybody’s interests.

Collaborative Law, as practiced in Washington is a “team approach,” recognizing that there are many elements of a divorce - the legal, the financial, the parental and the emotional.  So, we have collaboratively trained lawyers to support, advise and advocate for their clients; collaboratively trained financial specialists to act as neutrals, assisting the couples in understanding their current and future financial needs - and resources - in a non-adversarial manner; collaboratively trained mental health professionals, who act as divorce coaches, assisting people in managing the most acute emotional reactions that come up during the divorce process and child specialists who support the children through this alien and utterly unwelcome change in their lives.

While the collaborative law team approach is certainly more costly than doing it yourself, or working with a mediator, only, it is no more expensive than a conventional adversarial divorce where lawyers run into court to win temporary orders on behalf of their clients, stressful and incredibly comprehensive information gathering is conducted through a “discovery” process and a costly (both financially and emotionally) settlement conference is conducted where both people are separated with their lawyers and a settlement official shuttles between the two rooms with offers and counter offers in an effort to pound out a settlement in a day.  This process leads to next-morning regret for at least one person as sure as the sun rise in the east.  This doesn’t even include trial, which virtually guarantees destruction of whatever is left of the relationship between two people who shared years of intimacy and often children that they both love.

Collaborative practice can expose people embarking on this awesomely challenging life journey to a group of professionals who are committed to helping both people identify and achieve high-end goals that will serve them for the ensuing days, months and years.  An image evoked by one collaborative professional often is that of the divorced husband and wife sitting side-by-side (with their new partners if that be the case) at their children’s graduations or weddings and experiencing the gratitude of these children in finding a way to end the marriage (if end it must) in a loving, respectful manner, mindful of the integrity of everyone involved.

It’s a challenge, to-be-sure.  Yet a challenge well worth taking.

For more information visit the Collaborative Law page of Joseph Shaub’s website: www.josephshaub.com and the website of King County Collaborative Law, www.kingcountycollab.org.

Through my work with families experiencing the transition of divorce, I often hear from the voices of children how difficult it is for them to witness their parents being disrespectful towards each other. Having been informed by these children, the research and literature, and my own personal story with divorce, I am writing this article to share the importance of co-parenting.

While parents may no longer be sharing the same household, they remain partners in parenting. Children’s emotional well-being during separation and divorce is greatly affected by how both parents work together to provide consistency and stability for the family. How each parent handles their own emotions greatly influences how their children will process through this time. The first few years after the separation can bring many changes and emotions for the entire family that may be overwhelming. By making the decision to put the needs and best interests of their children first, parents can empower them to grow into adults who are capable of healthy relationships.

Children and teens respond in many ways to separation and divorce. In addition to personality, temperament, gender, age, and coping skills, Garrity and Baris (1) state that how parents get along with each other during this time is critical to children’s emotional welfare. In their book, Caught in the Middle: Protecting the Children of High Conflict Divorce, Garrity and Baris (1) state that children listed the most stressful things about divorce as:

• A parent telling them the divorce is the other parent’s fault.

• Witnessing parents physically hurt each other or argue.

• Experiencing loyalty battles about spending time with the other parent.

• Relatives speaking poorly to or about the other parent.

Parents can give their children more hope of a stable future if they respond in ways that allow love, respect, and acceptance of the other parent. Children and teens learn by example, and parents who are managing the changes in their lives with grace and respect will show their children that this is possible. Parents who make choices to behave in ways that align with the values and commitments they wish to teach their children will open up the possibility of the these values being passed on.

What a gift to give children… the ability to love each parent openly and without guilt. Children form their identity through both of their parents, and they need to be able to safely connect with each of them. Respecting the other parent will show children that they too are respected. It frees them up to form their own ideas and conclusions about people and relationships. This creates space for them to grow into who they are meant to be.

Sometimes it may be appropriate and/or necessary to speak to children about the differences of opinions between parents. Words are powerful and choosing them carefully is important. Using terms such as parenting styles, choices, and behaviors of the other parent, rather than naming the parent themselves as the “bad guy,” helps keep children from being subjected to direct derogatory statements about their other parent. Conversation can then be had about differences and why they may exist.

How would you wish for your child or children to handle experiences that involve differences and conflict? Life presents us with many situations where we have choices in how we respond. Why not show our children the most positive examples we can?

Neuman (2) shares many ideas in his book about how parents can help their children and work with them to promote a new healthy life going forward. He shares activities and ideas for opening up communication and promoting a safe, healing environment at home.

Recommended Reading:

(1) Caught in the Middle:Protecting the Children of High-Conflict Divorce, by Carla B. Garrity and Mitchell A. Baris

(2) Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, by M. Gary Neuman with Patricia Romanowski

Separation and divorce affect children and teens in many different ways, and there are things that you can do as parents to help alleviate some of the difficulty and pain that come with this transition. This is often a very emotional time for the adult partners, and it can be a challenge to fully address the needs and concerns of your children while you are trying to maintain some sense of stability for yourself. As difficult as it may be to put your own emotions aside, how you and your partner handle this transition with your children will have lasting effects on their well-being.

Divorce is a process for a family that continues throughout a lifetime. Divorce often leads to new relationships and extended families, which add to the adjustments for kids and teens. As children age and mature, they discover more questions about the situation, and become more aware of their own feelings. The average adjustment period for an adult to process divorce is 2-3 years, while a child may take 3-5 years. Parents may be ready to move on, while kids may not. Parents are role models in how children learn to be in relationship with each other and process change. Divorce can be an opportunity for you to show your children how to respect others, learn forgiveness, and handle change with as much grace as possible.

Some ways to help your children and teens throughout this transition:

• Seek outside support for yourself and create community through friends, extended family, support groups, legal and financial counseling, therapy, and spiritual activities. Having resources for yourself helps you feel better and be a better parent. This will also help prevent you from leaning on your children in times of distress and/or discussing issues that are not age appropriate for them.

• Remain in continual conversation with your children regarding what is happening. They have many questions that need answers in an age appropriate way. Children get very fearful at this time, and having their questions left unanswered only adds to that fear. Let them know that both parents are there for them and tell them that the divorce is not their fault - over and over again!

• Remain respectful to the other parent. While you may have very strong emotions about your partner at this time, your child has feelings of his or her own. Children and teens have a right to their own feelings about each of their parents, and the right to spend time with both of them. Children identify with both parents, and negative remarks about the other parent can have devastating effects on them. They often take these remarks on themselves and feel as if the parent is talking negatively about them as well.

• Provide outside resources for your kids and teens. It is important for kids to have someone besides their parents to talk with about what is happening. Kids do not want to hurt their parents’ feelings, and will often keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves in order to be “fair” to each parent. Support groups are a wonderful way to create community for them so they do not feel alone. Divorce effects over half of all marriages, yet kids often feel very isolated at this time.

• Co-parent together. While your relationship and/or marriage may be changing, your responsiblities as parents are not. Working together to raise your children is helpful to both them and you. Single parenting is not easy, but it is made easier by helping each other out and remaining open to the other parent’s thoughts and ideas. Try to be flexible with the parenting arrangement when the need arises. Sometimes issues of safety or absence makes this an impossibility, yet it is helpful to keep in mind that children think about and identify with both of their parents even in an absence.

• Create as much consistency and routine as possible for your kids. They are experiencing a huge change in their life that may seem very overwhelming. If possible, try to work slowly through any changes in residence, schools, and activities. This will give them time to adjust and process the loss.

• Create new ways of defining family for you and your kids. What does family mean and how does this look to you? Expand on the ideas of what defines family. While there is loss of the way the family was, there is opportunity to create a new and different sense of how you wish to be as a family now.

• Additional Resources:
  • Divorce Lifeline at 206-694-5757
  • www.divorcenet.com provides legal advice, information on state laws, and help for do-it-yourself divorces.
  • www.fairsharedivorce.com
  • King County Lawyer Referral Service at 206-623-2551
  • Eastside Legal Assistance Program at 425-747-7274 provides a free 30 minute consultation with an attorney.
  • www.careerdiscoveryinc.com
  • www.shaublaw.com

  In my continued learning and curiosity regarding this experience, I invite you to share your ideas and stories on this topic.