This article is written in collaboration with Dr. Linda Warren of Bainbridge Pediatrics.

Two years ago, my mentor and colleague, Michelle Naden, invited me to join a team of therapists named Collaborative Family Therapy. It had been a dream of mine to work in a collaborative way with other therapists, health care professionals, and community resources to better serve families, so I felt honored to accept the invitation. Working openly with a team has created layers of meaningful support for me and the people I serve. One of these layers has been Bainbridge Pediatrics, a group of three pediatricians and their support staff. Our teams share the value of seeking and providing a network of resources that can “wrap around” the families that seek our assistance. This is for the purpose of minimizing isolation and maximizing communication between providers and patients, and between providers.

We decided to write a piece on family eating because it is a topic that crops up often in our work. Food can be a tricky issue for many young people and their parents. On the medical side, Michelle Bombardier, SLE, and Catherine Whiting, OT, approached Dr. Linda Warren at Bainbridge Pediatrics to discuss working together to address feeding problems developing in young children and their families on Bainbridge Island. These medical providers were seeing more families struggling with the challenges of feeding their kids, and on the mental health side, we at CFT were seeing more families struggling with eating disorders. Dr. Warren introduced us to several excellent books on the topic. She and her medical colleagues also began a monthly group for “Picky Eaters.” She initiated this piece that focuses on how to create a family environment that promotes healthy eating for all ages. Our teams work to help families decrease stress around eating and to increase communication and connection within the family. Some of the most useful resources that guide us in this area are the books written by Ellyn Satter, a licensed nutritionist and therapist, who has written extensively about children and food.

Satter, licensed nutritionist and therapist, says that it is the parents’ responsibility to provide good nutrition for their children. The what, how, and when to eat can become confusing and overwhelming questions for families. Some of the questions we hear are:  How much responsibility should a parent take when it comes to decisions about eating, and how much should be shared with the children? How does responsibility shift as children grow? Different messages bombard us through the media, and we have become a society that is conflicted about food and body image. Concerns about “healthy” body shape and size, food allergies, and the relationship between food and behavior are just a few of the topics that parents and children raise when they consult us.

We will begin to answer some of these questions with Ellyn Satter’s definition of the “division of responsibility” (1990) between parent and child. She refers to this division in the following way:

1. The parent’s job is to decide what, when and where to provide food, regular snacks, and meals. They are also responsible to offer a variety of foods.

2. The child’s job is to decide whether and how much to eat or not to eat. Control in this area is with the child.

In exploring the first part of the division of parents’ responsibility, Satter provides some helpful things for parents not to do. She says: Don’t become a short order cook, and don’t pressure your kids to eat (1987). This means no bribing, arguing, rewarding with dessert, or tricking kids into eating it.  She coaches parents to offer a child the food, and let them sit and decide if they want to eat. If they don’t eat, Satter says to wait until the next snack or mealtime to offer food, milk, or juice. The goal is to raise a competent and “intuitive eater,” (Tribole & Resch, 2003) one who knows what he or she wants to eat, knows when he or she is full, and who enjoys eating.

The second part of Satter’s division states that how much a child eats is his or her responsibility. Often parents become concerned about their child not eating enough, or too much. It is helpful to develop trust that a child will eat what he or she needs, and to know that this will fluctuate over time. It can be helpful to look at a larger time frame and to focus on what a child eats over the course of a month, rather than a day or week.  Satter (2005) believes that parents need to stay within their division of responsibility, which is to provide the structure and the food choices. When parents gravitate towards the children’s responsibility of how much to eat, a power struggle often ensues. The struggle can be fueled when parents continue to worry over their children’s eating habits. Satter says it is helpful for parents to keep these worries in check so children can learn how much is enough, a skill that is important to develop on the way to becoming “intuitive eaters” (Tribole and Resch, 2003).

The division of responsibility ideally shifts as children grow. For adolescents, autonomy and identity become central themes of their development, and they often become more self-conscious or struggle with self-confidence. With an influx of hormones, their bodies typically grow rapidly and they must adjust to internal and external changes daily. Adolescents need to make more choices for themselves, and parents need to let them explore these choices with food. Parents can still influence their growing children by offering healthy choices in the home and by eating meals together. The goal is for parents to support their children and to trust them to care for themselves. This will develop a healthy balance of responsibility between parents and teens.

Satter (1987) states:

• During the teen years, you continue teach and guide your child, building on the foundation of instruction and interaction that has gone before. The way you treat your child is the most powerful part of the instruction, as it has been at all previous times.  Your attitude of respect and interest and your willingness to play a supportive, rather than a controlling role, will have an enormous impact on the way you and your child feel about each other. (pp. 245-246)

Family meal times provide a great opportunity to create and nurture connections within families. These occasions offer parents the structure within which to live out the division of responsibility described by Satter. In order to provide more detail on the benefits of family meal time, we offer some interesting research findings that highlight some significant benefits of family meals:

A 1999 study from University of Michigan found that meal time at home was the single strongest predictor of better achievement scores and fewer behavioral problems with kids. Meal time proved more powerful than time spent in school, at church activities, studying, or playing sports.

A Harvard study in 2000 showed that eating family dinners together most or all days of the week is associated with eating more healthfully. These families consumed higher amounts of nutrients such as calcium, fiber, iron, B6 and B12, C and E.

A study in 2004 from the University of Minnesota found adolescents who ate with their families did better in school, were less likely to use drugs and alcohol, and were less likely to have low self-esteem and depression.

The information from these studies listed above reinforces the significance of family meal time as a way to help kids make positive choices in their lives. For more information about this topic we suggest the books below. We also invite you to contact us at CFT and Bainbridge Pediatrics to talk about your questions or concerns.

Recommended Reading:

How to Get Your Kid to Eat… But Not too Much, 1990, by Ellyn Satter. Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family: Orchestrating and Enjoying the Family Meal, 1999, by Ellyn Satter.
Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense, 2000, by Ellyn Satter
Intuitive Eating, a Revolutionary Program that Works, 2003, by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch.
Your Child’s Weight: Helping without Harming, 2005, by Ellyn Satter.

The developmental changes that occur in our children during adolescence and the teen years present unique elements to family communication and parenting. As a family therapist, mother, and stepmother, I am drawn to the complexity of this time and how we can be more intentional in our parenting to promote better connection and understanding.

The teen years present an interesting interplay between the need for young people to learn independence and their need to stay safe and connected to family. The question becomes how can we help our teenagers stay in touch with the values and commitments that are important to our families, while allowing them the space to learn responsibility and independence. This is a time for them to gain confidence in making decisions and taking care of their own needs in order to prepare them to manage themselves as young adults in their communities.

Here are a few thoughts on how to keep conversation and connection going during these years:

• Remain curious to your teen’s thoughts, ideas, hopes, and dreams – even if they differ from your own.

• Highlight the positive. Teens often suffer from a sense of low self-esteem and they need to be confirmed in their accomplishments to promote self-worth.

• Be consistent!

• Realize that your teens will make mistakes and grow them into learning opportunities.

• Be intentional in how you are speaking and responding to your teens. Learn what legacies you wish to pass to your children and what legacies you wish to leave behind.

• Let them know they are loved. As much as they may seem to push you away, they still desire connection. Renegotiate the level of closeness and be open to new ways of doing things.

Through my work with families experiencing the transition of divorce, I often hear from the voices of children how difficult it is for them to witness their parents being disrespectful towards each other. Having been informed by these children, the research and literature, and my own personal story with divorce, I am writing this article to share the importance of co-parenting.

While parents may no longer be sharing the same household, they remain partners in parenting. Children’s emotional well-being during separation and divorce is greatly affected by how both parents work together to provide consistency and stability for the family. How each parent handles their own emotions greatly influences how their children will process through this time. The first few years after the separation can bring many changes and emotions for the entire family that may be overwhelming. By making the decision to put the needs and best interests of their children first, parents can empower them to grow into adults who are capable of healthy relationships.

Children and teens respond in many ways to separation and divorce. In addition to personality, temperament, gender, age, and coping skills, Garrity and Baris (1) state that how parents get along with each other during this time is critical to children’s emotional welfare. In their book, Caught in the Middle: Protecting the Children of High Conflict Divorce, Garrity and Baris (1) state that children listed the most stressful things about divorce as:

• A parent telling them the divorce is the other parent’s fault.

• Witnessing parents physically hurt each other or argue.

• Experiencing loyalty battles about spending time with the other parent.

• Relatives speaking poorly to or about the other parent.

Parents can give their children more hope of a stable future if they respond in ways that allow love, respect, and acceptance of the other parent. Children and teens learn by example, and parents who are managing the changes in their lives with grace and respect will show their children that this is possible. Parents who make choices to behave in ways that align with the values and commitments they wish to teach their children will open up the possibility of the these values being passed on.

What a gift to give children… the ability to love each parent openly and without guilt. Children form their identity through both of their parents, and they need to be able to safely connect with each of them. Respecting the other parent will show children that they too are respected. It frees them up to form their own ideas and conclusions about people and relationships. This creates space for them to grow into who they are meant to be.

Sometimes it may be appropriate and/or necessary to speak to children about the differences of opinions between parents. Words are powerful and choosing them carefully is important. Using terms such as parenting styles, choices, and behaviors of the other parent, rather than naming the parent themselves as the “bad guy,” helps keep children from being subjected to direct derogatory statements about their other parent. Conversation can then be had about differences and why they may exist.

How would you wish for your child or children to handle experiences that involve differences and conflict? Life presents us with many situations where we have choices in how we respond. Why not show our children the most positive examples we can?

Neuman (2) shares many ideas in his book about how parents can help their children and work with them to promote a new healthy life going forward. He shares activities and ideas for opening up communication and promoting a safe, healing environment at home.

Recommended Reading:

(1) Caught in the Middle:Protecting the Children of High-Conflict Divorce, by Carla B. Garrity and Mitchell A. Baris

(2) Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way, by M. Gary Neuman with Patricia Romanowski

Separation and divorce affect children and teens in many different ways, and there are things that you can do as parents to help alleviate some of the difficulty and pain that come with this transition. This is often a very emotional time for the adult partners, and it can be a challenge to fully address the needs and concerns of your children while you are trying to maintain some sense of stability for yourself. As difficult as it may be to put your own emotions aside, how you and your partner handle this transition with your children will have lasting effects on their well-being.

Divorce is a process for a family that continues throughout a lifetime. Divorce often leads to new relationships and extended families, which add to the adjustments for kids and teens. As children age and mature, they discover more questions about the situation, and become more aware of their own feelings. The average adjustment period for an adult to process divorce is 2-3 years, while a child may take 3-5 years. Parents may be ready to move on, while kids may not. Parents are role models in how children learn to be in relationship with each other and process change. Divorce can be an opportunity for you to show your children how to respect others, learn forgiveness, and handle change with as much grace as possible.

Some ways to help your children and teens throughout this transition:

• Seek outside support for yourself and create community through friends, extended family, support groups, legal and financial counseling, therapy, and spiritual activities. Having resources for yourself helps you feel better and be a better parent. This will also help prevent you from leaning on your children in times of distress and/or discussing issues that are not age appropriate for them.

• Remain in continual conversation with your children regarding what is happening. They have many questions that need answers in an age appropriate way. Children get very fearful at this time, and having their questions left unanswered only adds to that fear. Let them know that both parents are there for them and tell them that the divorce is not their fault - over and over again!

• Remain respectful to the other parent. While you may have very strong emotions about your partner at this time, your child has feelings of his or her own. Children and teens have a right to their own feelings about each of their parents, and the right to spend time with both of them. Children identify with both parents, and negative remarks about the other parent can have devastating effects on them. They often take these remarks on themselves and feel as if the parent is talking negatively about them as well.

• Provide outside resources for your kids and teens. It is important for kids to have someone besides their parents to talk with about what is happening. Kids do not want to hurt their parents’ feelings, and will often keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves in order to be “fair” to each parent. Support groups are a wonderful way to create community for them so they do not feel alone. Divorce effects over half of all marriages, yet kids often feel very isolated at this time.

• Co-parent together. While your relationship and/or marriage may be changing, your responsiblities as parents are not. Working together to raise your children is helpful to both them and you. Single parenting is not easy, but it is made easier by helping each other out and remaining open to the other parent’s thoughts and ideas. Try to be flexible with the parenting arrangement when the need arises. Sometimes issues of safety or absence makes this an impossibility, yet it is helpful to keep in mind that children think about and identify with both of their parents even in an absence.

• Create as much consistency and routine as possible for your kids. They are experiencing a huge change in their life that may seem very overwhelming. If possible, try to work slowly through any changes in residence, schools, and activities. This will give them time to adjust and process the loss.

• Create new ways of defining family for you and your kids. What does family mean and how does this look to you? Expand on the ideas of what defines family. While there is loss of the way the family was, there is opportunity to create a new and different sense of how you wish to be as a family now.

• Additional Resources:
  • Divorce Lifeline at 206-694-5757
  • www.divorcenet.com provides legal advice, information on state laws, and help for do-it-yourself divorces.
  • www.fairsharedivorce.com
  • King County Lawyer Referral Service at 206-623-2551
  • Eastside Legal Assistance Program at 425-747-7274 provides a free 30 minute consultation with an attorney.
  • www.careerdiscoveryinc.com
  • www.shaublaw.com

  In my continued learning and curiosity regarding this experience, I invite you to share your ideas and stories on this topic.