I invite readers to share a blog by two of my most trusted colleagues, Kurt Johns and Michelle Naden. They are both Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists at Collaborative Family Therapy on Bainbridge Island. You can find their blog at www.practicalnarrativetherapy.com
I would like to invite readers to meet a trusted and knowledgeable colleague, Joseph Shaub. I am honored to have him share his wisdom and experience with you. He is a collaborative family lawyer and mediator with offices in Seattle and Bellevue. He is licensed as both an attorney and marriage and family therapist. Joe has many more informative and helpful articles on a variety of topics in his website: www.josephshaub.com. He has offered this informative article on the benefits of the collaborative law process.
CHOOSING COLLABORATIVE LAW
Divorce is such a hard road. Sadly, lawyers can make that road so much harder. They’re not bad people - most of them are truly lovely folks if you knew them socially. However, their role is to protect their client. “Protect them from what?” you might ask. Well, protect them from being “ruined,” “screwed,” “wrecked” or “destroyed by their spouse,” if you asked them. Lawyers, in their role as protectors are also dispensers of paranoia. It’s part of the training. It’s like a magical transformation, but rather than turning from an ugly duckling to a swan, or Clark Kent to Superman, the divorcing person enters the lawyers office wanting the “fair” outcome, not wanting to screw their spouse and emerges hyper-vigilant and hyper-protective of their “rights,” having heard for an hour or two what they are “entitled to.”
The good news is that there’s a large and growing group of lawyers in King County who want to help smooth the path of this otherwise rocky life transition. They are “collaborative lawyers” and its important for anyone commencing this process to know about them.
Collaborative Law started in the early ‘90’s when a Minneapolis lawyer named Stu Webb decided he just wasn’t going to go to court any longer. He asked all of his colleagues if any of them were willing to agree to forego the soul-rending process of divorce litigation and commit, with their clients, to working out all the details of a legal divorce by negotiated agreement. He had a handful of takers… and the word got out. Collaborative Law began to spread throughout the country. To get an idea of its breadth and scope log onto the website of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals at www.collaborativepractice.com.
This form of healing, supportive practice - in which lawyers make a paradigm shift from protecting the narrow interests of their clients no matter who else may be hurt in the process (the spouse or their children) to developing a broader view of what a client’s real interests are - is now being practiced by many professionals in Washington. The lawyers in King County Collaborative Law understand that an adversarial divorce which locks people into years of animosity and children into a life of negotiation between enemy camps simply can’t be in anybody’s interests.
Collaborative Law, as practiced in Washington is a “team approach,” recognizing that there are many elements of a divorce - the legal, the financial, the parental and the emotional. So, we have collaboratively trained lawyers to support, advise and advocate for their clients; collaboratively trained financial specialists to act as neutrals, assisting the couples in understanding their current and future financial needs - and resources - in a non-adversarial manner; collaboratively trained mental health professionals, who act as divorce coaches, assisting people in managing the most acute emotional reactions that come up during the divorce process and child specialists who support the children through this alien and utterly unwelcome change in their lives.
While the collaborative law team approach is certainly more costly than doing it yourself, or working with a mediator, only, it is no more expensive than a conventional adversarial divorce where lawyers run into court to win temporary orders on behalf of their clients, stressful and incredibly comprehensive information gathering is conducted through a “discovery” process and a costly (both financially and emotionally) settlement conference is conducted where both people are separated with their lawyers and a settlement official shuttles between the two rooms with offers and counter offers in an effort to pound out a settlement in a day. This process leads to next-morning regret for at least one person as sure as the sun rise in the east. This doesn’t even include trial, which virtually guarantees destruction of whatever is left of the relationship between two people who shared years of intimacy and often children that they both love.
Collaborative practice can expose people embarking on this awesomely challenging life journey to a group of professionals who are committed to helping both people identify and achieve high-end goals that will serve them for the ensuing days, months and years. An image evoked by one collaborative professional often is that of the divorced husband and wife sitting side-by-side (with their new partners if that be the case) at their children’s graduations or weddings and experiencing the gratitude of these children in finding a way to end the marriage (if end it must) in a loving, respectful manner, mindful of the integrity of everyone involved.
It’s a challenge, to-be-sure. Yet a challenge well worth taking.
For more information visit the Collaborative Law page of Joseph Shaub’s website: www.josephshaub.com and the website of King County Collaborative Law, www.kingcountycollab.org.
Life presents us with many opportunities for experiencing change and transitions. Sometimes it appears that the only constant in life is change. How we approach these transitions and proceed through them can greatly influence the outcomes that we experience. Some areas in our lives that often present us with a need for change are: relationship and family transitions, career choices, living arrangements, and the social/political/economic considerations of our time.
While some changes that we find ourselves working with may be of our own choosing, others often are not. There are times that we may find ourselves experiencing a need or a request for change that we are not ready or prepared to move into. While it may seem during these times that we are not in control of our life circumstances, it is important to remember that while we may not have control over what life presents us, we do have control over something very powerful – our attitude towards these situations. Inviting change in with an attitude of openness and curiosity can increase our opportunities for growth.
In times of change, it is helpful to reflect upon the values, commitments, and hopes that we have for our selves and our families. By staying connected to what is deeply important to us in life, we can gather the strength and courage needed to embrace change. Staying in tune with what we truly value and stand for in life allows us to align our thinking and actions with these values and commitments. There is an anonymous quote that states: There is no growth without change, no change without fear or loss, and no loss without pain. It is often through the hardest and most painful experiences in our lives that we experience the most growth.
Change often presents the unknown, and the unknown often brings with it a sense of fear. It is important in times of change to connect with community and support systems that can help us move wisely during these times. We can reap great benefits and feelings of security by seeking support and guidance from our community resources. By tapping into our community, we can find legal/financial counsel, individual/family therapy, spiritual guidance, and group sharing. We form our identity through our relationships with others, and it is during times of change that we need to stay in relationship with those who are able to understand and support us.
Self-care is another resource for us during times of change. It is important to notice how we are handling the stress and excitement that comes with transitions. By taking care of our physical and emotional health, we are better able to engage the extra energy that moving through change may take. Life changes can bring new awareness and developments in our lives. By keeping an open and positive attitude, noticing what choices we do have in our lives, utilizing our resources, and taking care of our health, we can move forward in the best way.
The New Year often invites a process of reflection into our lives. Upon entering a fresh calendar year, we often take the opportunity to draft intentions and ideas about what areas we might like to create change in - often know as New Year’s Resolutions. For some, this process has become a ritual that is welcomed, assured, and productive. For others, it develops into a process of expectations, anxiety, and possible failures. The initial intention is typically the same for both responses - a call to do something differently.
Looking forward to the future often connects with the experience of looking back towards what once was. Noting what stands out for us from the past is usually a precursor to setting up our hopes and dreams for the future. How we choose to respond to our memories - more specifically the memories that we claim are disappointments or failures - can affect our current state of being. While we usually have as many successes filed away in our personal narratives, these often get passed over during the commitment of “self-improvement.” Self-improvement has the opportunity for some to metamorphosis into self-criticism, which often steals from our memories of accomplishments and appreciation in our lives. In my work with others and in my own personal experiences, I have learned that we often spend more time thinking about what we could have done differently, the big “what if,” rather than sharing appreciation with ourselves for what we feel we have accomplished successfully.
Reflection about our past disappointments tends to result in feelings of guilt and shame, while reflection upon our personal successes typically produces feelings of pride and effectiveness. By honoring where we have been and the learning curve of the trials and tribulations, we are more apt to remember the skills that we used that brought us to a feeling of success, or that enabled us to make it through difficult times. When we remember these skills, they can then be applied, adapted to, and utilized in our current experiences.
When we are witness to our loved ones’ difficulties and struggles, we typically respond with grace, acceptance, and a sharing of the confidence that we have that they will move through these times. It would seem very beneficial to apply this same grace, acceptance, and confidence with our own selves. Often there are many influences in our lives that are participating in the experiences that we are having. Some of these may be in our control, while others may not. It is important to recognize these other factors in the equation of our lives. Some examples of these influences are physical limitations or injuries that come our way, family and social crises, emotional and behavioral health issues, occupational changes, relationship difficulties, and the choices of others. These are all issues that we deal with over the course of time that may impact our ability to manage our choices in certain situations.
Community plays a substantial role in how we perceive ourselves. It is helpful during times of committed change to surround ourselves with a supportive environment. Connecting with others who share similar goals and commitments as we do can create a network of accountability and understanding for all. We help ourselves as well as our community. There is something transforming about hearing others’ shared experiences and narratives – especially when we can relate them to our own. We build our sense of self through relationships – they become a mirror for how we perceive ourselves.
By looking at our so-called “failures” with a lens of compassion, we can ask ourselves what we might have learned through these times and how that has been, and might be, useful going forward. Making goals for ourselves can be a growing and productive enterprise, and bringing our personal knowledges of what we do well in the world can help us in moving towards these goals. Some questions and ideas to ponder while constructing new commitments and goals for the New Year are:
I wish you the best in moving forward with your commitments, values, hopes, and dreams for this New Year!